Monday, August 4, 2008

One Blue Morning...

I'd like to say it's been one of those grey mornings that rains and rains and rains and doesn't get any better, but
honestly, the weather was beautiful, sunny and hot. And that didn't make it any better. From the time I got up this morning, I couldn't hear a song that didn't make me tear up or think of things from the past that didn't remind me that maybe I've taken a detour off of my path. Late last night I found an ad for the State Fair, something my ex boyfriend Shawn and my Mom, always went to every year. It caught me by surprise, much like the big things in life that pummel you when least expected. I brought out pictures of the two of them and smelled my mom's watch, something I've begun doing, because it's the only thing left that smells like her. I've found, for me, that in the moments of true sadness, I allow myself to sit in it and feel it, to remember how it is and how things are supposed to be. Feelings are good, no matter how bad they hurt. I talked to Shawn today, and I guess I never expect how those conversations are going to go. Sometimes, I just want reassurance that maybe someday down the road things will work out and somedays and I just want a friend, but most days I miss him driving next to me, laughing as I sing the wrong lyrics to songs. And most days, I miss my mom so bad that I put in her favorite music and sing to Bob Dylan or Crosby, Stills,Nash and Young and feel her presence in the car with me. I think most people think I'm doing ok, and maybe I am, but not really. Not really at all. But you know, I don't think many of us are. I've had a lot of loss this year and I keep trying to find it's significance, and somedays I think I have, like learning to tie your shoe and then the laces just fall apart at the end. It's just not that easy and it's constant. And then I got an email from one of my closest friends, Krissa, who now lives in Berlin. Blindsided. I sent back some random memories and sent pictures of what I look like now, as if that could fill her in on how I am, but the funny thing is, no matter how long until I see her again, almost eight years now, she knows. And I said, "I'd like to see you again sometime before we die." And the funny thing is, as bitter and morose as that sounds, I meant it. Maybe just for an afternoon, to laugh and remember, before it's too late. And I guess that's what I'm realizing on days like these, it's the small moments, the clouds of the blue mornings, that I better look up, capture and remember, because baby, they fade fast...

2 comments:

Krissa said...

I love you, hon. And I miss you a lot. You're always in my heart.

Caroline Cinamon said...

Feelings are good!